Spiders, snakes, the dark, the unknown, heights, large bodies of water, airplanes, public speaking, failure, death, dentists, clowns, change, open spaces, small spaces, and needles. All common things people fear in life. Some are justified, some emerge from past experiences, some are just unexplained. I was recently asked what my biggest fear was. I smash spiders; I've cut off the heads of snakes with my grandparents; I enjoy darkness; the unknown intrigues me; I love heights and can't wait to skydive this summer; I love swimming; airplane rides are really fun and get me to my destination with minimum risk; I'm great at public speaking; failure makes me stronger; I think death is horrible for the people left behind, but death itself doesn't scare me; dentists are nice and make my teeth feel slimy and amazing; clowns are funny; change is good, without it I'd go nuts; open spaces are fun for running; small spaces suck, but I'm not afraid of them; and needles aren't fun, but I've gotten used to getting stuck by them because my veins are tiny.
So what is it that scares me? It's that someone will know everything about me--from my outside appearance, to my thoughts, to my opinions, to my judgements, to my preferences, to my personality--and they won't like me for who I am. That scares me. Each person in my life only knows a little about me because I'm always afraid if they knew everything, they'd reject me or become uninterested. Kyle is probably the exception to this fear because he knows everything about me and that's what makes him love me. My flaws and imperfections are perfect to him.
But he's the minority. The one person. I'm a different person to everyone else. My family knows different things about me than my friends, my friends know different things about me than my coworkers, my coworkers know different things about me than my church friends, etc. I don't know why I have to be so many people. It's almost as if I wear all these masks. I'm afraid that one day I'm going to put on the wrong mask when I come into work, or go to a party, or when I'm at home. I ask myself why it would be so horrible for people to know the things they don't, and the answer is that I don't know. My fear may be irrational, but maybe underneath everything I have a fear of rejection. I've had friends in the past where I let them in and all of them left me out of the blue one day. Either by leaving me for other people or just by not talking to me anymore.
I'm a very confident person and I feel like I have a strong self-esteem, but perhaps I don't. If I was truly confident with myself, then I would be able to tell everyone everything about me, right? That scares me, too. Maybe I'm not as self-confident as I thought. I'm afraid of rejection, of not fitting in, of not being the strong woman I think I am.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Family on Father's Day
So, it's Father's Day. It makes me think of everything that I've been given in my life by my parents. Here are just three of the ones I'm most thankful for.
1. A pleasant living environment.
Okay, that sounds really weird, but honestly, I think that's a very important thing when raising a family. Our house is a small house in a clean, friendly neighborhood. All of our neighbors are all old or are young families with small tots and beh-bies. Again, it's small, but that's what makes our family so close...not just physically. We had to learn how to get along because if we went to our rooms and slammed the door, we could hear the conversations on the other side and they could hear us cry. We sit on the couches as a family when we watch our shows and sometimes it felt like we were sitting on each other's laps, but it made us comfortable with each other.
2. A living example of a working, loving relationship.
My parents got married really young, but they have never lost their love for each other. For some, cheating is a question of when it will happen and why. However, for my parents, it has never been a question. They still get each other gifts for birthdays and anniversaries even if it crunches the budget a little bit. I love how they support each other's hobbies. My mom loves to crochet and my dad loves comics books. They do those things without causing distance to grow like rust between them, munching away at their bond. Instead, they have a stronghold. Both of my parents came from houses with failed marriages. Instead of making that their greatest weakness, they twisted it into an act of healthy rebellion. The tides changed and they became the strongest couple I know. If my sister and I ever question our relationships, without a doubt we can just hold them up to our parents like tracing paper to draw straighter and sharper lines.
3. A support mechanism.
The best thing about my family is our support system. I can talk about really deep things with my mom. Whenever we ride in the car together, go shopping together, or work together, I can tell her anything about my life without worrying about feeling judged. She gives the best advice and more often than not, I take it. She's very smart about knowing how other people feel in a situation just from listening to my side of the story. In that way, I gain a stronger knowledge of other people while resolving my issues. My dad is the opposite. Instead of delving into an issue to solve it from its core, he provides a distraction from when the drama and work and future all get too hard to take. We'll talk about video games, movies, television shows, comics, electronics, and music. Anything to make the hurt disappear and I always appreciate it.
Both my parents are very different in both parenting styles and personalities. Somehow, they've found a way to make it work and I couldn't be more thrilled to be in the family I'm in. We laugh together, cry together, take walks in the rain together, take silly pictures together, watch So You Think You Can Dance together (8 seasons and counting, but don't even get us started on Survivior), and wear Green Lantern shirts together. It's not like we're perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but much like Tim Gunn would have us do, we "make it work."
1. A pleasant living environment.
Okay, that sounds really weird, but honestly, I think that's a very important thing when raising a family. Our house is a small house in a clean, friendly neighborhood. All of our neighbors are all old or are young families with small tots and beh-bies. Again, it's small, but that's what makes our family so close...not just physically. We had to learn how to get along because if we went to our rooms and slammed the door, we could hear the conversations on the other side and they could hear us cry. We sit on the couches as a family when we watch our shows and sometimes it felt like we were sitting on each other's laps, but it made us comfortable with each other.
2. A living example of a working, loving relationship.
My parents got married really young, but they have never lost their love for each other. For some, cheating is a question of when it will happen and why. However, for my parents, it has never been a question. They still get each other gifts for birthdays and anniversaries even if it crunches the budget a little bit. I love how they support each other's hobbies. My mom loves to crochet and my dad loves comics books. They do those things without causing distance to grow like rust between them, munching away at their bond. Instead, they have a stronghold. Both of my parents came from houses with failed marriages. Instead of making that their greatest weakness, they twisted it into an act of healthy rebellion. The tides changed and they became the strongest couple I know. If my sister and I ever question our relationships, without a doubt we can just hold them up to our parents like tracing paper to draw straighter and sharper lines.
3. A support mechanism.
The best thing about my family is our support system. I can talk about really deep things with my mom. Whenever we ride in the car together, go shopping together, or work together, I can tell her anything about my life without worrying about feeling judged. She gives the best advice and more often than not, I take it. She's very smart about knowing how other people feel in a situation just from listening to my side of the story. In that way, I gain a stronger knowledge of other people while resolving my issues. My dad is the opposite. Instead of delving into an issue to solve it from its core, he provides a distraction from when the drama and work and future all get too hard to take. We'll talk about video games, movies, television shows, comics, electronics, and music. Anything to make the hurt disappear and I always appreciate it.
Both my parents are very different in both parenting styles and personalities. Somehow, they've found a way to make it work and I couldn't be more thrilled to be in the family I'm in. We laugh together, cry together, take walks in the rain together, take silly pictures together, watch So You Think You Can Dance together (8 seasons and counting, but don't even get us started on Survivior), and wear Green Lantern shirts together. It's not like we're perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but much like Tim Gunn would have us do, we "make it work."
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Darkly Dreaming Dexter
I don't know if any of you have every watched "Dexter" but you really should. Get it on Netflix, go rent it at Blockbuster, borrow it, buy it, bootleg it, I don't care. Get ahold of it, take it out of the case, put it in your DVD player and watch it. I caught the last three seasons and I fell in love. Kyle and I are going back and watching them all from the beginning.
I'm a TV buff. When I'm not working or going to school, doing chores, reading, or surfing the interblags, I'm watching a show. Sitcoms like "The Big Bang Theory" and "Modern Family" are my favorite for a quick bad-mood suppressant. Dramas such as "Parenthood" are good when I want to feel good about my life. Detective shows like "The Mentalist" are good for when you want to think. "American Gothic" is perfect for when you want to have a hard time sleeping at night for fear of blood on the walls and the Devil tricking you into selling your soul.
"Dexter" is different. It's better than a novel. Nothing makes an audience feel more dirty than rooting for a heartless serial killer. Dexter is a man who blurs the black and white line of morality. I love the idea of anti-heroes. Have you ever seen "Boondock Saints?"Men out to rid Boston of corrupt and evil men. By killing them. You root for them to kill each evil man. Pretty messed up. Anti-heroes can be as simple as Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye. He is the definition of rebellion and teenager angst. In real life, everyone would hate a kid like that, running around drinking and swearing. It's unheard of, but glorified in Salinger's book. Yossarian from Catch-22 could be considered an anti-hero going out of his way to avoid going to war. He pretends to get sick, gets drunk, has sex, anything he can do to get out of fighting. People want heroes to go to war, not a man who just wants to go home. They want to feel safe; yet the whole book the audience is rooting for Yossarian and his fretful attempts to leave the army. Something that would be considered weak in our society.
Perhaps the best parallel to Dexter would be Hannibal Lecter. A serial killer who eats his victims. His saucy tongue and tender appetite charmed audiences all over the United States. Hannibal blends into society just like Dexter. When he walks the streets, he walks with confidence and poise. Dexter is charming too. A friendly neighbor, a loving boyfriend, a shy brother, and so on. He pretends. Hannibal was caught in "Silence of the Lambs," but he never lost his charms. The whole time, the audience is so excited to see him escape. That's just good writing.
If you want a show to get your heart pumping and have your morals questioned, watch "Dexter." You'll never be so supportive of a cold-blooded murderer. I should hope.
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