Fatties and Escalators

Ever since I was in London traveling tube to tube (saying this three times fast sounds like a doo-wop song), I have this ever-growing pet peeve toward escalators. Firstly, I'm going to define what an escalator is in my own words: A slow moving staircase used to speed along and simplify the process of climbing stairs. Secondly, I'm going to give the dictionary definition: a moving staircase consisting of stair treads fixed to a conveyor belt, for transporting passengers between levels, especially between the floors of a building (taken from the English World Dictionary). 


Okay, so in London, people are on the move. Constantly. They have places to be, people, and they do not need to be slowed down by tourists. When I say tourists, I mean Americans. Americans have this learned habit of standing on escalators. In London, they have to designate the right side of the escalators for chubby, white people with 2 ft backpacks sticking out who decided that stairs were the most stressful and exhausting things to be made since weightlifting. 


In the retail store I work at, there's an escalator in the middle of the store. When I'm running into work late, I have to set aside two extra minutes to make it up the escalator on time. I always get stuck behind the old lady who's afraid to move off of the stairs, the child who's afraid to step onto the stairs, the woman who has forty bags taking up the entire space, or the millions of people who stand in the middle of the stairs and give rude looks at me when I say, "Excuse me," and walk past them. Oh, I'm sorry that I'm using the stairs for their intended use. That was so wrong of me. 


I propose we set up escalator etiquette like London.
1. If you have forty bags and purses, hire a personal holder or don't take the escalator. 
2. If you're afraid of the escalator, there is probably a good reason and you should just use the elevator and/or the real stairs.
3. If you have a stroller/cart/excessive luggage, do not use the escalator. 
4. If you plan on just standing on the escalator, kindly move over to the right side. 
5. If the width of your body exceeds the width of the escalator, I'm sorry you are large. I'm sad that I got stuck behind you, but maybe you would benefit from using the escalator as a stair master. 


Nothing against anyone who stands on escalators. Just please don't give me rude looks when I wish to pass you. You chose your speed, now let me choose mine.