Girl from the Past

So I was working the other night when out of the blue I see this girl from my past walk past my register with a friend. I get this sinking feeling in my stomach and this funny taste in my mouth. Old emotions that I haven't felt toward another person in over a decade come rushing to the front of my brain...right in that good ol' anger button in-between my eyes. It's not just anger though, it's resentment--old jealousy that these days should be void and now just sound petty. Things like: she's prettier than me, she's quicker on her feet, she had more friends than me, she was into boys before I even knew what the draw to them was, and she knew everyone's buttons and how to push them.

All I could do was sit there and quickly pray she didn't come over to my register. It was Good Friday and we were packed. The store was overflowing with children and their parents buying last-minute Easter dresses and suits. Girls buying prom dresses and confirmation dresses. Husbands buying presents for their wives for mother's day. (Side note: Whoever decided putting all these holidays and events so close to each other this year is a jerk and needs to work retail for a week.) What I'm saying is that I was exhausted. There was no way I could even pretend to be decent to this girl...this mean, self-centered girl from my past.

Sure enough, she walks right up to my register. She has this look of fake surprise on her face, melted with a snide smile suggesting smugness. Well, little does she know, I'm the Queen of Masks and I can go from exhausted to helpful and cheerful in a matter of a slightly higher voice and a radiant smile on my face from years of practice. It's difficult, but I muster it. I think to myself, She's nothing. I'm way more confident than I was back then. She doesn't know me. But it's useless. I mold right back to that shy, self-conscious girl I once was.

She asks me where I'm going to school. I tell her the community college I attend and she is quick to add that she went to Western for a semester. She asks me what I'm going into. I tell her I want to teach English to high schoolers--which suddenly sounds weak and too simple. A quote I once read prances in front of my brain saying, "People who go into teaching just do it because they can't think of anything better to do." Great. I look at her. Luckily, she loves one-upping people so she says, "I wanted to be a teacher too, but then I decided to go into nursing." See, she never used to bully me, not physically. It was pointed comments like this that wore me down over time. In one sentence, she degraded my whole life's plans. I resort to my old ways--I stay quiet and just hope she goes away. I hurry through her order and get her out of there as fast as I can. We talk a idly chat a little more, but for the life of me, I can't remember what we said.

These days, my 20 year-old self would have talked about the peace corps and Korea and all the plans I have for helping out all over the world. I would have talked about how my passion grew because of amazing teachers at community college that has teachers straight from four-year colleges making extra dough. I would have been prideful in talking about what I have planned, how happy I am, how much I work, how proud of myself I am.

Why is it that certain people can bring out the worst in you? How is it that I thought I came so far only to be spun around and shown that I'm just the same little girl that I was underneath it? Is that who I am? Can I ever change that. Maybe it's just her. Maybe it's just me. All I know is that if I keep wishing to go back and change that conversation, it will only turn out the same every time. Sometimes it's just like that.